Less Than Perfect

Now that I have dispensed with the nasty business of telling everyone about my diagnosis, I can get back to writing about the important things in my life, like Christmas card photos of the kids (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). I was very fortunate this fall to be really busy with my photography business, and I had the chance to photograph some adorable kids. I got some really great photos, and feedback from families that I had captured their kids better than anyone before. So I was feeling pretty good about my skills and confident that I could get at least one really great photo of my kids. And yet again, I failed miserably (remember last year?) . So I present to you "Outtakes 2009".



I was hoping to capture the kids enjoying a warm fall evening playing with each other and having fun. Something that said, "We love each other and we wish you a wonderful Christmas." I think I captured, "We would rather be inside watching Scooby Doo and eating stale Halloween candy than smiling for the crazy woman behind the camera, even if she is our mother." Even though these aren't top-notch, I did manage to get a few cute ones and was able to put together a pretty card, so that's one more thing I can cross off my "to-do before the big surgery" list.

Oh, and I had to go the doctor this morning because I was running a fever and felt like I had been hit by a bus. I have H1N1. So, for those of you keeping score, that's Major Illnesses = 2, Jen = 0.

Not the Same

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A few posts ago I wrote about turning 34, and referenced a Talking Heads lyric "how did I get here?" as I felt it related to my life on that occasion. Little did I know that just a short month later, that song and those lyrics would hold even more relevance to me. On October 30, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Not exactly the kind of tricks and treats I thought would be in store for us Halloween weekend. How did I get here?

When the doctor said the words, "I'm so sorry, it's cancer." I felt like not only had the rug been pulled out from under me, but that I had been bashed over the head with it as well. The next thing I knew I had appointments lined up with oncological and plastic surgeons, social workers, and genetic counselors. Rob & I began reading and researching - I had been enrolled at Cancer U without ever even asking for an entrance exam. I wouldn't call myself an expert on breast cancer yet, but I'm sure as hell getting there. We are still waiting for the results of some tests to come back, but I know a few things for certain. I will require major surgery, and I will most likely require some form of chemotherapy, and radiation has not been ruled out. How did I get here?

I've already experienced anger - I have 3 babies at home that depend on me to take care of them. I do not have time to be sick! I have felt sadness and confusion - how did this happen to me? I'm too young for this! I've felt a part of some sort of cosmic joke - I ran triathlons to raise money for cancer research! I donated my hair for wigs for cancer patients! Don't I get a "get out of cancer free" card? Apparently not. How did I get here?

I have also felt incredible love and support. Our family immediately jumped into action to offer anything, and our friends responded the same way. I might feel like a part of a sick joke, but I do not feel alone. I also feel very lucky to have access to the medical team that has been assembled for my treatment, and I have every confidence that together we will beat this cancer.

I've been struggling to figure out how I will handle all of this on the blog. On the one hand, this is the place where I keep folks following it (mostly friends and family) updated about what's going on around here, and to share stories and photos from our lives. So it seems natural that my cancer would be a part of that. But on the other hand, I don't want this to become a "cancer blog", yet I know very soon that it will become pretty consuming and there will be little else to write about. I still don't have an answer, and so there may be a lapse between posts while I figure it out. I'm also toying with the idea of making the blog more private, so that you have to log in before you can read it (right now it is not accessible from search engines or by browsing through blogger - you have to know it's here to find it). Wasn't I just posting about someone pooping in the sink and making jam? How did I get here?

The reality is I don't know how I got here, or why. I know that there has to be a reason, even if I don't know it yet. I know that something good will come from all of it, even if it doesn't seem like that is possible right now. I know that with the support of my family and friends I will survive this and be stronger for it.

You Wanted the Best...

... You Got the Best, The Hottest Band in the Land... The ALDERMANS!!!! OK, so maybe not quite as exciting as KISS playing a set on our block, but we did pull out the old school Gene & Paul make-up for Halloween last night. By all accounts we took top honors in the adult costume category, and more importantly our kids thought we were pretty cool. The kids totally rocked their Star Wars costumes, and thank goodness for my quick shutter because Riley refused to keep the Princess Leia buns on for more than a split second.



It was a crazy weekend - Imagination Movers' concert, Halloween, and the Colts game yesterday. There was also a little something else added in the mix, and I'm still trying to figure out how to handle it "blog-wise", so I'll keep you posted on that when I work it out.