A few posts ago I wrote about turning 34, and referenced a Talking Heads lyric "how did I get here?" as I felt it related to my life on that occasion. Little did I know that just a short month later, that song and those lyrics would hold even more relevance to me. On October 30, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Not exactly the kind of tricks and treats I thought would be in store for us Halloween weekend. How did I get here?
When the doctor said the words, "I'm so sorry, it's cancer." I felt like not only had the rug been pulled out from under me, but that I had been bashed over the head with it as well. The next thing I knew I had appointments lined up with oncological and plastic surgeons, social workers, and genetic counselors. Rob & I began reading and researching - I had been enrolled at Cancer U without ever even asking for an entrance exam. I wouldn't call myself an expert on breast cancer yet, but I'm sure as hell getting there. We are still waiting for the results of some tests to come back, but I know a few things for certain. I will require major surgery, and I will most likely require some form of chemotherapy, and radiation has not been ruled out. How did I get here?
I've already experienced anger - I have 3 babies at home that depend on me to take care of them. I do not have time to be sick! I have felt sadness and confusion - how did this happen to me? I'm too young for this! I've felt a part of some sort of cosmic joke - I ran triathlons to raise money for cancer research! I donated my hair for wigs for cancer patients! Don't I get a "get out of cancer free" card? Apparently not. How did I get here?
I have also felt incredible love and support. Our family immediately jumped into action to offer anything, and our friends responded the same way. I might feel like a part of a sick joke, but I do not feel alone. I also feel very lucky to have access to the medical team that has been assembled for my treatment, and I have every confidence that together we will beat this cancer.
I've been struggling to figure out how I will handle all of this on the blog. On the one hand, this is the place where I keep folks following it (mostly friends and family) updated about what's going on around here, and to share stories and photos from our lives. So it seems natural that my cancer would be a part of that. But on the other hand, I don't want this to become a "cancer blog", yet I know very soon that it will become pretty consuming and there will be little else to write about. I still don't have an answer, and so there may be a lapse between posts while I figure it out. I'm also toying with the idea of making the blog more private, so that you have to log in before you can read it (right now it is not accessible from search engines or by browsing through blogger - you have to know it's here to find it). Wasn't I just posting about someone pooping in the sink and making jam? How did I get here?
The reality is I don't know how I got here, or why. I know that there has to be a reason, even if I don't know it yet. I know that something good will come from all of it, even if it doesn't seem like that is possible right now. I know that with the support of my family and friends I will survive this and be stronger for it.
5 comments:
You know you are in my thoughts and prayers every single day. Love you.
You are amazing and strong! We are here for you and praying for you! Lots of love!
You've been in my thoughts and prayers since October 31st daily. You are on my prayer chains and I have prayer warriors that ask me all the time how you are. You are very loved!
You most certainly are not alone. We love you dearly.
I love reading about your wonderful life and family. I am certain you will beat this and will be stronger for it. Sending good vibes and prayers your way!
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