Great Expectations

I had great expectations for this summer. Done with chemo. Done with surgeries. No school, no schedules. Just time to have fun with the kids and try to enjoy our time together. Maybe get out of town and find some adventures beyond our house. And then I had a little setback last week when I went in for chemo. The neuropathy had spread to my toes, and that combined with some other side effects was enough for my oncologist to hold off on treatment indefinitely, until the symptoms were resolved. Which shouldn't have been a big deal, but it was. My surgery for the next stage of reconstruction was scheduled for July 9, and my surgeon requires at least a month break between chemo and surgery. I only had a week cushion built in to the schedule, so if I had to push chemo out 2 weeks, I'd lose my surgery date. So just like that, all my great expectations blew up in my face. And I had a small breakdown. All the pent up frustration over this whole situation came pouring out, and once I opened the floodgates I couldn't shut them down. You would think by now I would have learned not to make plans, or at least not to become emotionally attached to plans, but I did. My heart was set on that June 1 finish line for chemo, and that July 9 surgery date, and some days just looking at those dates circled in my calendar gave me the motivation to keep my head up.

So we came home and Rob did something completely ridiculous. He put a tv in our bathroom. The bathroom was wired for cable on the wall when we moved in, and Rob has always talked about mounting a small flat screen in there. He seemed to think that it was just what I needed - to soak in the tub after a long day, drink a glass of wine, and watch one of my trashy reality shows. I thought it was the most ludicrous idea in the world. Who needs a tv in the bathroom? But when credit card points needed to be used and he informed me the tv would be free, I couldn't argue anymore. So last tuesday when I felt the weight of so many important things pushing me down, I gave in to the ridiculous. And you know what? He was right. God love him. First off, we will never have a problem getting the kids in the bathtub, ever. And as for me? I soaked in the tub, he brought me a cold beer, and I escaped in someone else's reality for a little while, and it was awesome.

And after some research, Rob found some amino acids that other patients had good results in using to treat their neuropathy, and so I got some and was better enough this week to get treatment yesterday. And then I got home and found a message that my surgeon needed to move my surgery up a week, and there went my great expectations again. But it didn't make my world collapse like last week. I'm learning to have small expectations, to not set my heart so solidly on a date on a page, to trust that sometimes someone else's expectations (like putting a tv in the bathroom) are just as valid. And as for those big summer plans, if all else fails I'll just throw them all in the tub and we'll find some adventures in there.