We Wish You...

... the joy of being surrounded by loved ones
... the blessings of health and good fortune
... a very Happy 2010
... and a Merry Christmas!

Thank you to everyone who has prayed for our family this year, we hold you all dear in our hearts! We hope your Christmas Day is as wonderful as ours has been!

Perhaps it is all the medical talk going on around here, but the book above is the one Casey chose last week during his weekly trip to the school library. I can't come up with any other feasible reason why a 5 yr-old boy would check out a book on the brain and nervous system when there were so many other choices - books on Star Wars, bugs, and endless other titles more appropriate for him. When we sat down yesterday to read the book, it definitely didn't read like the typical book for a kindergartner, and I have to admit I got lost a bit in the neurons and synapses and cells (it's been a loooooonnngg time since that human anatomy class!). But Casey listened intently and asked good questions. He has asked me numerous times, "Mommy, how did you get cancer?", and so I'm wondering if this book isn't an attempt on his part to find an answer, since honestly I don't have one. Anyway, I'm all brushed up now on the three sections of the brain, so that's good, and it gives me a little giggle every time I look at it to think of Casey picking that book out of all the others in the library. He might think he's going to be a rock & roller when he grows up, but I'm thinking it's more likely we have a future doctor on our hands.

The Angel Tree

Last night we received the official pathology results from my surgery, and it was everything we hoped. Only 1 of the 32 lymph nodes removed contained cancer, and all the cancer removed from my breast had excellent margins. What this means is that as I sit here typing this post, I am doing it cancer-free. I will know more next week what implications these results have on any systemic treatments I receive, but I have to believe that treatment to keep cancer from returning has to be easier than treatment to kill existing cancer (although maybe I'm just naive and hopeful!). Regardless, I am delighted and relieved to receive these results. All those prayers seem to have worked!!

How am I feeling? Tuesday morning I felt like someone had ripped my arms off, beat me in the chest with them, and then stapled them back on my body. Since I have been home I have moments of feeling almost normal, and some moments of feeling really lousy. It is definitely not the lateral recovery that I expected - to feel bad, then little by little better and better until I felt like myself again. This experience is more like a roller coaster, one minute way up and the next way down, a few loopdy-loops thrown in for fun, and then back to the start again. Luckily, I have found that I share something in common with Barack Obama, which is that we both have personal physicians who attend to us 24 hours a day. Rob has been amazing in his care for me - I know that I could not have done this without him, and that my recovery will probably be faster as a result of his care. I think it has been an unusual experience for him, to be on both sides of care at the same time as both a doctor and the husband of a patient, and I know it has been hard. Like I said on Father's Day, they say good men are hard to find, but I was lucky to find mine when I did and smart enough not to let go.

So many people have sent ornaments to me, even people I only know as acquaintances, and I have been dumbfounded by the show of love and support. The photo above is of my little angel tree. I put it up in my room and Rob has been plugging it in for me while I'm in there resting, and it makes me smile. The other really encouraging thing about this photo is that I took it this morning, MYSELF. Which means I can hold my camera! I am restricted to my small lens, and I can't exactly chase a toddler around the park for a photo session right now and it's not the best shot I've ever taken, but I can document this experience in the best way I know how, and just knowing that makes me feel better.

Again, to everyone reading this who has prayed for my family, who has sent ornaments and cards and emails, who have blessed me with your positive thoughts - THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. I don't believe I'll ever be able to fully convey what is has meant to me, but please know how much it is all appreciated. Please imagine me giving you all a big hug, albeit a very light hug as my arms still mainly feel like they are being held on with staples!

Vegan Cookies

I needed a good laugh, and this recent skit from SNL does the trick. Dave Matthews as Ozzy = brilliant, "I'm taking it easy, snacking on kettle corn!". Plus, I told Rob the way I'm shuffling around right now is very reminiscent of Ozzy, and Dave captures it perfectly.

Learning to Let Go

When I was a little girl, one of our neighbors watched me while my parents worked, and I loved being at their house. They became like surrogate grandparents to me, and one of my favorite photos from our wedding is the one the photographer snapped of me with them. I remember one time, and I have no idea how old I was, one of my parents came to pick me up at the end of the day, and for some reason I didn't want to leave. I don't know why I acted like that, but I remember gripping the door to our car as either my mom or dad tried to put me in, and screaming and refusing to go. I was thinking about that event today, and thinking that the reason that I have such a clear and distinct memory of that time is that I have always harbored embarrassment for behaving so badly. I know now, as a mother myself, that sometimes kids just act out for no good reason, without understanding how their actions could be interpreted, and that rationally there is no reason to still feel badly for that one little moment in my childhood (Lord knows I did far worse things that I don't even feel the slightest tinge of guilt about!). But thinking about it today, I realized that is how I've felt for the majority of the past month. I have been going through the motions of daily life, trying to keep up with everything I have going on, and all the time in the back of my mind I have been screaming, "I don't want to go!".

But I have to go. I don't have a choice. I want to live, and so I have to go on Monday morning bright and early and allow the doctors to operate on me, to remove the cancer from my body. And I decided today that I can continue to feel like a cat refusing to go to the vet, with all four limbs braced against the door jam in refusal and risk the potential of looking back on this time with the same feeling of shame I regard that little moment from my childhood, or I can go willingly. I can accept that the only thing about this whole damn situation that I have any control over is how I handle it, and walk into the hospital in complete possession of my sense of self.

The t-shirts in the photo above were a request from Casey. When I went into the hospital to have Riley, I made them these shirts, and so when we sat down and talked to Casey about my cancer, his one question was if they could have shirts again like the last time I went to the hospital. So I thought "Why not?", and I made these for them. It makes me smile to think of the three of them wearing them on Monday, rooting me on in their own little way. My kids are my heroes. They are my inspiration. Casey was born 6 weeks early and was so tiny, and the morning after he was born the pediatrician came to examine him. He stuck his head in my hospital room and boomed, "Mrs. Alderman, that boy is tough as nails. He's going to be just fine." At less than a day old and less than 4 pounds, he was already giving the nurses in the NICU hell by pulling out his tubes and being generally stubborn. My other two babies entered this world just as obstinately, and all three have proven to have strong personalities. I figure if I can create such willful beings, then I must have that same strength and will inside me. I know I share the responsibility of their DNA with Rob, but looking at them, at their determination, I know that some of that came from me, and it is something we share. And so when I feel small and weak, I think of my little babies, and I feel strong. They are my heroes.

I re-read Lance Armstrong's book this week, and he talks in it about how those of us with cancer, how we are the lucky ones. I don't know that I fully understand that yet, but I think a sense of it has been revealed to me in the last month. An entire community of angels comprised of my family, friends, and acquaintances has surrounded me and showered me with love. I have received so many calls, cards, emails, and gifts that I am almost embarrassed by the attention. I carry all of the cards around with me in a folder so that I have a piece all of my angels with me all the time. And I think I have already been able to give something back - I have heard from so many people that as a result of my diagnosis they made doctor appointments and vows to take better care of themselves. I have to believe there is a reason for all that is happening to me, and little by little it is being revealed to me. I went to YouTube and pulled out this old Nike commercial, and it gives me so much hope. Just one year after his diagnosis he was back on the bike, winning races.



So Monday morning, bright and early, I will walk into Indiana University hospital (the same hospital where Lance was treated!) and I will kick some cancer ass. I will not be chanting "I don't want to go!". I will be thinking of all of my angels and I will put myself in God's hands, and in the hands of highly gifted doctors, and I will beat this thing. That same little girl who gripped the door of the car so tight and refused to leave still lives in me, and I will take her determination and add it to all the love I have gathered, and I will go. And then I'll keep going. After all, I have three heroes to raise.

Less Than Perfect

Now that I have dispensed with the nasty business of telling everyone about my diagnosis, I can get back to writing about the important things in my life, like Christmas card photos of the kids (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). I was very fortunate this fall to be really busy with my photography business, and I had the chance to photograph some adorable kids. I got some really great photos, and feedback from families that I had captured their kids better than anyone before. So I was feeling pretty good about my skills and confident that I could get at least one really great photo of my kids. And yet again, I failed miserably (remember last year?) . So I present to you "Outtakes 2009".



I was hoping to capture the kids enjoying a warm fall evening playing with each other and having fun. Something that said, "We love each other and we wish you a wonderful Christmas." I think I captured, "We would rather be inside watching Scooby Doo and eating stale Halloween candy than smiling for the crazy woman behind the camera, even if she is our mother." Even though these aren't top-notch, I did manage to get a few cute ones and was able to put together a pretty card, so that's one more thing I can cross off my "to-do before the big surgery" list.

Oh, and I had to go the doctor this morning because I was running a fever and felt like I had been hit by a bus. I have H1N1. So, for those of you keeping score, that's Major Illnesses = 2, Jen = 0.

Not the Same

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A few posts ago I wrote about turning 34, and referenced a Talking Heads lyric "how did I get here?" as I felt it related to my life on that occasion. Little did I know that just a short month later, that song and those lyrics would hold even more relevance to me. On October 30, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Not exactly the kind of tricks and treats I thought would be in store for us Halloween weekend. How did I get here?

When the doctor said the words, "I'm so sorry, it's cancer." I felt like not only had the rug been pulled out from under me, but that I had been bashed over the head with it as well. The next thing I knew I had appointments lined up with oncological and plastic surgeons, social workers, and genetic counselors. Rob & I began reading and researching - I had been enrolled at Cancer U without ever even asking for an entrance exam. I wouldn't call myself an expert on breast cancer yet, but I'm sure as hell getting there. We are still waiting for the results of some tests to come back, but I know a few things for certain. I will require major surgery, and I will most likely require some form of chemotherapy, and radiation has not been ruled out. How did I get here?

I've already experienced anger - I have 3 babies at home that depend on me to take care of them. I do not have time to be sick! I have felt sadness and confusion - how did this happen to me? I'm too young for this! I've felt a part of some sort of cosmic joke - I ran triathlons to raise money for cancer research! I donated my hair for wigs for cancer patients! Don't I get a "get out of cancer free" card? Apparently not. How did I get here?

I have also felt incredible love and support. Our family immediately jumped into action to offer anything, and our friends responded the same way. I might feel like a part of a sick joke, but I do not feel alone. I also feel very lucky to have access to the medical team that has been assembled for my treatment, and I have every confidence that together we will beat this cancer.

I've been struggling to figure out how I will handle all of this on the blog. On the one hand, this is the place where I keep folks following it (mostly friends and family) updated about what's going on around here, and to share stories and photos from our lives. So it seems natural that my cancer would be a part of that. But on the other hand, I don't want this to become a "cancer blog", yet I know very soon that it will become pretty consuming and there will be little else to write about. I still don't have an answer, and so there may be a lapse between posts while I figure it out. I'm also toying with the idea of making the blog more private, so that you have to log in before you can read it (right now it is not accessible from search engines or by browsing through blogger - you have to know it's here to find it). Wasn't I just posting about someone pooping in the sink and making jam? How did I get here?

The reality is I don't know how I got here, or why. I know that there has to be a reason, even if I don't know it yet. I know that something good will come from all of it, even if it doesn't seem like that is possible right now. I know that with the support of my family and friends I will survive this and be stronger for it.

You Wanted the Best...

... You Got the Best, The Hottest Band in the Land... The ALDERMANS!!!! OK, so maybe not quite as exciting as KISS playing a set on our block, but we did pull out the old school Gene & Paul make-up for Halloween last night. By all accounts we took top honors in the adult costume category, and more importantly our kids thought we were pretty cool. The kids totally rocked their Star Wars costumes, and thank goodness for my quick shutter because Riley refused to keep the Princess Leia buns on for more than a split second.



It was a crazy weekend - Imagination Movers' concert, Halloween, and the Colts game yesterday. There was also a little something else added in the mix, and I'm still trying to figure out how to handle it "blog-wise", so I'll keep you posted on that when I work it out.

I'm just coming up for air here for a bit. It's been crazy around here, and I always feel like this time of year is being lived in fast forward. Fall, Halloween, then vroooooooommm, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Today was perhaps the last beautiful and warm day of the year - 73 and sunny - and the kids are on fall break so we headed to the zoo. Last week, however, was gray, gray, gray. I snapped the photos above one afternoon, and the one of Riley really seemed the capture the mood of a dreary fall day. And even though it was dull outside, I managed to coax a few bright grins from the boys. I may be quiet around here for the next little bit as we navigate everything that is going on, but I'll try to press pause when I can.

Same as it Ever Was

Today is my birthday, and this year it snuck up on me. I've been so focused on everything else going on that I pushed turning 34 to the back of my mind, and even yesterday when a friend called to say happy birthday I had a brief moment of thinking that I had lost a day and had forgotten about it altogether. But today is the big day, and I'm feeling quite ambivalent about the occasion. This is one of those days where I feel like the Talking Heads song "Once in a Lifetime" is the soundtrack to my life:

" And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile,

And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife.

And you may ask yourself... well, how did I get here?"

Life seems to be moving so fast - yesterday I was a new wife working on a career, and the next minute I was a new mom with a premature baby in my arms, and then a few seconds later I was staying home to raise three kids and putting that first tiny baby on the bus to go to kindergarten. How did I get here?

I set my camera up on Riley's dresser and snapped this quick photo of us this morning, because I felt the need to capture the memory of this day - of me being 34 and her being little still. Looking at it I feel very blessed to have the people I have in my life, and although I have no idea how I got here, I just feel lucky that I am.

It's My Party...

Tomorrow is Connor's 3rd birthday, so in honor of that I had to post this picture. I submitted it as an entry in a contest my web hosting company was having to celebrate their birthday. I didn't win the contest, but I did end up with this super cute photo of him. I'm hoping he wears a much different expression at his party tomorrow.

Another First

Connor's first day of 3 yr-old preschool was today, and if you can't tell by the expression on his face, he was pretty excited. His teacher told me he had a great morning and was an "awesome listener". I double checked to make sure she had the right kid, and she did. I am now making plans to spy on the class to discover her secrets.

We're Jammin'

I've been making an effort lately to try and be more conscious of the foods we consume alot of around here, and more importantly, the ingredients contained in those foods. I did some research on Red Dye #40 after a conversation with a friend in MOMs Club, and without getting on a soapbox, I'll just say that it probably will not hurt to eliminate it from our diets (some studies have shown that it increases aggressive behavior and attention deficit in kids who may be naturally sensitive to the dye). I realized that I was serving up a healthy dose of red dye to my kids at almost every meal of the day, and I figured that even if it poses no harm to my family, it isn't a necessary part of our diet and so it couldn't hurt to eliminate as much of it as possible. The kids all eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch just about every day, so strawberry jelly seemed like a natural place to start. When I read the label on the store bought jelly, I was surprised that it contained a whole host of ingredients that I didn't recognize, and, of course, Red Dye 40. I headed over to the natural foods section, but went into to sticker shock when I saw that a 6 oz jar of organic jelly was on sale for $6! Since I didn't want to take out a second mortgage to keep my family in jelly, I decided to take matters into my own hands and make my own jelly.

I did a bit of internet research on canning, and was tempted to buy a canning kit, but the whole boiling and sealing and possible bacteria contamination scared the bejeezus out of me (I'm still interested in giving it a whirl, so if any of you out there can, please comment with any tips, suggestions, etc. I'm hoping that next year's garden will be bigger and yield more produce so that I could at least can tomatoes and green beans for the winter). As luck would have it, the grocery had freezer jars and freezer pectin on sale, so with those supplies and a couple of pounds of fresh strawberries in hand, I gave freezer jam a try.

Casey was home from school and wanted to help me make the jam, so he became my co-pilot for this adventure. By far, the best part of the whole experience was when I handed him the big ziploc full of strawberries to crush with a rolling pin. He approached the bag of berries and announced, "Ha-ha strawberries! You're no match for me!" and proceeded to whack the hell out of them. The jam could have turned out crap and I would still have called it a success because I'm still laughing over that line. I used half Splenda in this recipe to reduce the sugar because I had read that using all Splenda could result in runny jam. We tossed in some blackberries from the freezer for a little extra flavor and color. When the jam had a chance to set up we tasted it and were pretty proud of ourselves. It is sweet but also a little tart, and we all seem to prefer the flavor and consistency of our jam over the store bought. Casey colored some labels, and when it was all said and done we had 5 jars of jam for just slightly more than the cost of one jar of organic from the store.



So one food from the dye list down, about 150 to go. I'm not foolish enough to think that I can control every single thing that goes into my kids' mouths or ensure that 100% of what we eat is totally healthy (nor would I want to - I'm pretty sure my system would go into shock if I cut out beer and chocolate and the kids might revolt if I took away their Goldfish crackers), but I feel better that I'm taking small steps to help us make some better choices. Plus, after Casey's destruction of the strawberries I'm kinda' anxious to see how he tackles tomatoes. I suspect they'll be no match for him either.

TGIFS

Thank God it's Football Season.

A Girl After My Own Heart

Riley spoke her first full sentence yesterday. In keeping with the old adage "the sweet tooth apple doesn't fall far from the sweet tooth tree", she walked up to me in the kitchen and clearly said, "I want a cookie". I mean, clearly announced it - I didn't have to use my skills as a future UN interpreter at all. I was so proud I gave her the cookie, even though it was 9 am.

I'll have to check with Mom, but I'm pretty sure my first sentence was, "I want pancakes." So, like I said, she comes by it naturally.

The Year of the Tomato

We enjoyed a lovely evening last night at the State Fair. I don't remember being a huge fan of the fair as a kid, but I've come to look forward to Indiana's and it is one of my favorite summertime activities. This year's theme is "The Year of the Tomato", which I find slightly ironic considering the late blight that is affecting so many tomato plants in the northeast. I thought for a minute that my tomato plants had the disease, but now I think I'm just a garden hypochondriac. Anyway, first we hit the midway so the boys could enjoy some rides.


I wasn't crazy about the look this guy was giving me, and I'm pretty sure that's a gang sign he's flashing. We let the kids ride anyway.



We walked through the cattle barn, the sheep barn, and the swine barn. Connor was brave enough to crawl in this pen and pet a baby cow. It's a tough call on which of them is cuter.



I was seriously tempted. I mean, I love bacon. And I love chocolate. But we walked by this booth right after visiting the baby pigs, and something about it just didn't feel right. Plus, earlier in the evening I ate a tenderloin sandwich the size of a VW bug, so I had already hit my pork limit for the week.



We did swing by the dairy barn on the way out for dessert. The dairy barn might be my very favorite part of the fair. They have kid's meals with a grilled cheese sandwich, apple slices, and milk for $4 (a bargain at the fair!), they fill sippy cups with milk for free, and they serve the most delicious milkshakes and ice cream. That's Riley above demanding, I mean, asking nicely for more of my chocolate milkshake.

All that, and I haven't even covered the giant cheese sculpture, the antique tractor parade, or watching Clydesdale horses being unloaded from their truck. Or that The Oak Ridge Boys were in concert and so we danced our way back to the car as we left. Even with the blight, I'd say the year of the tomato was a successful one.

Catching Up

This is a pretty common view from my vantage point these days. Riley works so hard to catch up to those brothers. I think we're all holding our breath a bit to see what happens when she does.

This is the First Day of the Rest of Your Life

Or at least I'm sure that's how it felt this morning for Casey as he stepped on the school bus for the very first time. I'm finding it very hard to believe that he is old enough to be a kindergardener, and I certainly felt a little lump in my throat as he boarded the big yellow bus. However, seeing the genuine joy and excitement on his face made me very proud, and having met his new teacher and seen the school, I shared in his joy because I knew he was going to be in good hands.

His father, on the other hand, followed the bus to school and videotaped him getting off the bus and walking to his classroom. And secretly I was glad he did.

Catch and Release

Rob took the boys fishing yesterday, and I have to admit I was suspicious of how much "fishing" would actually occur. I was once again proven wrong when the boys came home with a memory card full of photos from their adventure, including this pic of Casey's first catch. Thankfully since I know nothing about cleaning fish, this was a strictly catch & release outing. In addition to the fellow in the picture they caught a few more smaller fish and one pretty decent sized catfish. They all seemed to have alot of fun (except the meltdown Casey experienced when Connor lost part of his pole in the pond), but considering the condition they were in when they returned home, I'm not sure that they'll be going again any time soon.

Clutch Play

Whew. I just put the finishing touches on an order of custom clutch purses from etsy, and it looks like I've been running a mini clutch purse sweat shop out of my basement work area. The bride has seen photos of her bags, and has given her stamp of approval and is excited to get them in hand. It was fun to design and put these together, and I got some warm fuzzies knowing that I was making something that was going to be a part of a special day. But I think I'm going to have to take a break from the custom work. Something about a looming deadline makes me crazy, and even when I have budgeted my time wisely something always interrupts my schedule - someone gets sick, someone has a birthday, family comes for a visit (or in the case of last week, all of the above). Or maybe I should just take a break from accepting orders of 12 bags at a time. Something less stressful. Maybe just 6 bags at a time...